Verity

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Yesterday...

I made a big decision. I decided not to travel to Spain. I don't think it would be a good idea. I've been there a couple of times, and i think it's time for a change. I know "the boy" is waiting for me there, but i'll just have to tell him i won't be able to make this time because i need a change of pace, a change of scenery. After much thought, i decided the best place to go is Paris, France. It's a beautiful country, enriched with history and art. I'll visit all the places i read in books. I've never been there, so it would be a great place to explore, explore...yes; explore.

She doesn't want to go to Paris and she wants to go to Spain. But I want to go to Paris! Am i being selfish??? I don't think so. She gets to do whatever she desires, i think it's about time i came out and did things i wanted to as well!! I feel much better sharing that. Like a load has been taken off my shoulder.

I wonder what Paris is going to be like now. Is it Spring time there?? Wow, i can't wait to go. I just can't wait. It reminds me of when i was 5 and i couldn't wait for my sixth birthday. Only she ruined it. She acted she was sick so the party would get cancelled. She only did that because i was happy and i couldn't wait for the celebration. O how i loathe her.

Well, my flight is in a couple of hours, i need to rest. Rest now, play later. I'll enjoy that. I wonder if i'll meet new people, create "connections". Well, i'll find out when i get there, i'll have two weeks to explore. Two weeks of relaxing, well almost. I'll try to blog from Paris, highly unlikey, but i'll try, try...yes; try.

Wait for me, I will come back soon.

Posted by Verity :: 5:05 AM :: 5 Comments:

Post / Read Comments

-------------------------------------

Friday, April 15, 2005

Comfort...

It's been a couple of days since i last posted an entry. I wonder, have i been missed? Well, Jackie has redesigned the header of my blog. Isn't it lovely? Lovely, lovely...She's also redesigned $&!'s header, do check it for more proof of her amazing talent. If you need help on your layouts/templates i'm sure she wouldn't mind, she told me likes to help people. She's a sweetheart...yes a sweetheart.

****
Blogging comforts me. For instance, before blogging i did not use the computer much unless it was for doing some of her projects or homeworks. Most of the time i read. And i think i'm lucky because the time i get out, everbody at home is asleep, which means i am in complete solitude and the silence is a blessing-sometimes, it makes reading a pleasure, pleasure, yes;pleasure. At the moment I am reading Out of the Dark, it's an interesting book and i had to order it through the internet since i couldn't find it here in Kuwait.

To the bloggers who comment on my blog, would you like me to comment back? I'm not sure what to do about that, please leave me your feedback regarding this issue.

"They don't care if you comment back or not, it's not like anybody excpet that girl has commented on your last entry. See nobody cares, NO BODY CARES!!"

She just said that, i bet she's jealous. O how i loathe her. She was out shopping today with some of her friends and she bought new pyjamas. I must say i kind of like them, it's dark purple with light purple rabbit sillhouettes on them, there's something about them i like, maybe it's the rabbits.

"MPD is caused by severe trauma", i read that in an article last year. Is that how she was created? Is that how I was created? Just the thought of me being the personality "created" is disturbing. I won't think of it for the time being.

On a lighter note, i will be travelling next week to Spain, i hope things go according to plan. The plan is to go to Spain for two weeks and "relax" of course to her this means shopping. Fotunatley for me, when we go to Spain i take over most of the time, hence it is a mostly a relaxing and comofrting trip. I met a boy last year, i feel tingly inside when i think about him. This will be my/our fourth visit to Spain, i've been hooked since the first trip a couple of years ago. I can't wait to see him again this year, alas, something good to look forward to. A couple of days, just a couple of more days...

Posted by Verity :: 10:03 PM :: 5 Comments:

Post / Read Comments

-------------------------------------

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Reflection...

I want to share my favourite song with you, i believe it's a reflection of how i feel, a reflection of me...

I'm Only Happy When it Rains - Garbage

I'm only happy when it rains
I'm only happy when it's complicated
And though I know you can't appreciate it
I'm only happy when it rains

You know I love it when the news is bad
Why it feels so good to feel so sad
I'm only happy when it rains

Pour your misery

I'm only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are going wrong
I only listen to the sad, sad songs
I'm only happy when it rains

I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn't accidentally tell you that
I'm only happy when it rains

You'll get the message by the time I'm through
When I complain about me and you
I'm only happy when it rains

Pour your misery down (pour it)

You can keep me company
As long as you don't care
I'm only happy when it rains

You'll wanna hear about my new obsession
I'm riding high upon a deep depression
I'm only happy when it rains

Posted by Verity :: 10:34 PM :: 1 Comments:

Post / Read Comments

-------------------------------------

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Real...

I'd like to thank Eyes of a Tragedy for making me feel like i can accomplish anything. Only problem here, is that in order to accomplish what I want, it's going to take a lot of time.

****
It worries her that someday i might get too powerful and over come her. It scares her that i might take permenant control and she no longer will boss me around and be around to be the centre of attention. What worries and scares me the most is if i do take permenant control, then i might have to be her. On second thought, i might act as her in the beginning then i might slowly introduce the real me. real, yes; real.

I can hear her now, in the back of my head."Verity, you stupid bitch. This isn't going to work, it won't work i tell you! You're a freak. A freak. A FREAK!!! Nobody's going to accept you; you'll always be alone."

I am not a freak.
I am not a freak.
I am not a freak.
I am not a freak.
I am not a freak.

I am who I am.


Posted by Verity :: 4:03 AM :: 4 Comments:

Post / Read Comments

-------------------------------------

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Do I...?

People are afraid of what's different.

I'm different.

Do I frighten you?

Posted by Verity :: 2:20 AM :: 2 Comments:

Post / Read Comments

-------------------------------------

Friday, April 01, 2005

It's Early...

Much too early as a matter of fact!!

I can't believe i'm here...the reason i'm here now is because she started to panic, and i had nothing to do with it! Honest, this time i didn't cause her an anxiety attack.

It all started when she was watching documentary on t.v. the other day on death, and that's when she said.

"The end is coming. Whether i like it or not."

Of course, her being the weak one, she started to cry and complaining that she hadn't achieved anything in life. Come on, what's a 19 year old going to acheive? She's always wanted to travel abroad and become a painter. That dream she stole from me of course. How I loathe her...

I can feel her stir, i'd better go, i don't want her to do anything foolish...the pathetic girl.

Wait for me...

Posted by Verity :: 5:04 PM :: 2 Comments:

Post / Read Comments

-------------------------------------
I'm Tired...

Tired, very tired. I've been up for a couple of hours, just staring at the ceiling. I know it's not what i'm supposed to be doing, especially since i only get a couple of hours of freedom. But i was thinking of life without her. I'm worried though because i can't have a life without her, at least without her lurking in my darkness where she truly belongs.

I want to cut my hair, i need to cut my hair...my hair, my hair?! I'm looking at it now, it's not my hair; it's her hair, the light brown highlights contrasting with the slightly darker shade of light brown base. My fingers, these aren't my fingers, these manicured fingernails...she's ruined me...she's ruined me. Years back i had dyed my hair a deep shade of red, a shade i call blood red, and i loved it, i felt powerful...of couse "back then" i had more power when it came to our outer apperance. She didn't have time for any of this, she was too busy locking herself up in her little world, her glasses, her braces, her tied up hair, she made me look ugly...but slowly i had started to liberate her from that disgusting appearance, i started liberating myself as well...

At 15 i bought the blood red hair dye and dyed my hair...it had a beautiful finish to it. She panicked of couse..she worried about what mother would say. Mother had a fit, naturally...she didn't know what I was up to, and naturally, since my mother did not know of my existence mother blamed her for my hair...I loved it, i absolutley loved hearing her cry in the night. I love to hurt her...i loathe her...

Disturbed. If people got to know me, they'd think i was exactly that. Disturbed. I'm not, i promise you this. I'm really a normal girl; nearly. It's her fault you know, she never gave me a chance to shine...i hate her!!!! i hate her!!! "NO! We can't do that!! It's wrong...NO! Don't do that, don't you dare think of it!! I'm going to start thinking of happy things that's the only way to shut up up! I'm a little tea pot, i'm a little tea pot, I'M A LITTLE TEA POT!!" Yes, that's how she gets rid of me, well at least she thinks she gets rid of me...her stupid "little teapot" song. It started when she was cast for the school play (she was cast because i auditioned, i got her the lead part, she can't act if her life depended on it). When she was cast as the lead, she started rehearsing on weekends at school, after her rehearsal she would help with the 5-8 year olds act--she's very fond of community service, miss goodie-goodie--while helping them she picked up children's songs and started singing them, and when i told her they annoyed me, she started to sing them over and over and over and over again...until i didn't dare say anything...of course i was still there, lurking in the darkness she caged me in...o how i loathe her...

I know what she did tonight...i'm the only one that sees her, i'm the only one that knows who she really is. Do you want to know what she did tonight?! She stayed at home, locked herself in the bedroom and ripped paper into tiny shreds. I think i'm finally getting to her, finally after all of these years...It all started when a friend from highschool invited her to a birthday party last week, and of couse, she had to buy a new outfit--it was pink, i hate pink. Ever since she's bought the outfit and i've been whispering to her, telling her how fat she's become, how she's gained weight, how she's look like and over grown cow...and it worked. I love me, i loathe her...

Enought about her...

I love the colour black, it's very soothing to the eyes...it's like an abyss, i could stare into the colour forever, staring, falling into it, falling into the abyss...i love black. I loathe her...

Our room is pink. I hate it. I deteste it with all my heart. I had no say in the colour of our room, naturally i couldn't, she hides me, remember? I remember 4 years ago when our room was being decorated i tried to push off the decorator off the ladder when he was measuring the distance from the ceiling to the floor, unfortunaltey that didn't work, my father was there, and helped the poor unfortunate soul in time.

You know what i just thought of? I think SHE'S my alter ego. O God, i've just come to the sickening realisation that she took over because i couldn't handle the world. No, it isn't true. I was always a strong girl!!!! I know what happening, she's stirring inside of me, she's awakening, this explains the utter crap i'm typing out now, she's trying to get me confused, she's trying to hurt me...well, that's not going to work. I'll end this entry now, and deal with her later. O how i loathe her...

I'll be back tomorrow...tomorrow

Posted by Verity :: 6:06 AM :: 2 Comments:

Post / Read Comments

-------------------------------------